I was having such a good time. But I could tell the thoughts were going south fast. Sure I would break out into a dance worthy of the classiest clubs the Jersey shore can offer. But my thoughts would turn to wtf am I going to do this Sunday? I'm going to be all alone...
And suddenly it turned. I was upstairs, hanging my laundry on the hangers, and I decided to stop fighting the tears. I am afraid no one will ever love me. It is upsetting and freeing to actually string the words together, because I think it's been a concern for a while. Originally, back in the old days with the ex, the concern was probably What if I'm not in love?. Now it's that dark thought up there.
What if I'll never know what reciprocated love really is?
I certainly don't feel it now. Even when I allow myself to feel it internally, it certainly isn't expressed externally. And that leaves me feeling empty. How long can I go like this?
And just like that I feel like watching episodes of something-or-other just to get my mind off the subject and pass the time. So many questions come up. It's overwhelming.
Why can't I be by myself and be okay?
How do other people do it? Do they all "fall in love" and stay with the person?
Will I be reduced to waiting with bated breath for my Mr. Right Now to call upon me unless I fight the urge to pick up the phone on the first ring?
Or is it just the sort of thing I need to detox from? A solid 6 month stay at a rehab in the middle of Arizona.
I need to work toward my solo goals. I need to make my solo goals... So much work.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
#Nofilter
“Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt.” Friedrich Nietzsche
I read that and laughed. In my head, of course, because I'm at Panera and I would look mighty strange laughing to myself. But it was one of those, ::point at the screen and go "HAH!" as if the person is lying to themselves and everyone else::. But it's Nietzsche and he said some things I can barely fathom so that's that.
I got the quote from this guy. It came up in a google search. Most good things on the internet do.
ANYway.
I decided to post about that quote because I am a living breathing guilty conscience in leggings, carrying lots of bags. I am female first. Guilty conscience second. Sometimes, my femaleness comes secondary to how guilty I perceive myself to be. Which brings us back to Panera, at noon on a Sunday in September. I'm sitting here minding my own business, brushing up on counseling theory (enter existentialism) and these little girls walk in. They're sisters obviously, and their mom is adorably wrapped up in how cute they're being. The older of the two sisters is wearing bright pink, glittery, light-up sneakers, pigtails in her hair, pink headband to match her sneakers. She's jumping around, talking a mile a minute, completely oblivious to any onlookers, or the fact that the guy behind the counter is waiting to take her mom's order. Her little sister walked in, stepping only on the cream-colored tiles on the floor. If I or any other adult did that, it would look OCD, circa Monk. When she does it, it looks like a little girl being silly. And completely oblivious to onlookers. Do you see where I'm going with this? Who cares if I have OCD? I don't, but even if I did, who cares? It wouldn't be something I could help any more than the little girl who feels the need to wear flamboyant glittery pink sneakers.
The Bottom Line:
I need to be #nofilter more often. And I don't just mean on Instagram. I do okay sometimes, but I tend to be so apologetic when I lose my filter even the slightest bit, that it takes away from the usefulness and effectiveness of my #nofilter practice.
Part of the problem is that I am so well-socialized as an adult female, that I forget what it's like to only step on the cream colored tiles. It ends up not even occurring to me! That aspect of this practice is a post for another time. Until then...
#Nofilter:
I'm doing it braless today, even/especially in public. I got teary-eyed talking to Mr. YnH about my future and what means a lot to me, and then I felt guilty about the opportunities I have to look forward to in my career. I am going to buy myself some trail running sneaks and I am going to use them. I wrote "I am not a therapist. I am a helper." at the top of my counseling notes. I hardly remember anything from counseling theory and it makes me feel stupid and ill-equipped.
That's all for today. Go smell some sunshine.
I read that and laughed. In my head, of course, because I'm at Panera and I would look mighty strange laughing to myself. But it was one of those, ::point at the screen and go "HAH!" as if the person is lying to themselves and everyone else::. But it's Nietzsche and he said some things I can barely fathom so that's that.
I got the quote from this guy. It came up in a google search. Most good things on the internet do.
ANYway.
I decided to post about that quote because I am a living breathing guilty conscience in leggings, carrying lots of bags. I am female first. Guilty conscience second. Sometimes, my femaleness comes secondary to how guilty I perceive myself to be. Which brings us back to Panera, at noon on a Sunday in September. I'm sitting here minding my own business, brushing up on counseling theory (enter existentialism) and these little girls walk in. They're sisters obviously, and their mom is adorably wrapped up in how cute they're being. The older of the two sisters is wearing bright pink, glittery, light-up sneakers, pigtails in her hair, pink headband to match her sneakers. She's jumping around, talking a mile a minute, completely oblivious to any onlookers, or the fact that the guy behind the counter is waiting to take her mom's order. Her little sister walked in, stepping only on the cream-colored tiles on the floor. If I or any other adult did that, it would look OCD, circa Monk. When she does it, it looks like a little girl being silly. And completely oblivious to onlookers. Do you see where I'm going with this? Who cares if I have OCD? I don't, but even if I did, who cares? It wouldn't be something I could help any more than the little girl who feels the need to wear flamboyant glittery pink sneakers.
The Bottom Line:
I need to be #nofilter more often. And I don't just mean on Instagram. I do okay sometimes, but I tend to be so apologetic when I lose my filter even the slightest bit, that it takes away from the usefulness and effectiveness of my #nofilter practice.
Part of the problem is that I am so well-socialized as an adult female, that I forget what it's like to only step on the cream colored tiles. It ends up not even occurring to me! That aspect of this practice is a post for another time. Until then...
#Nofilter:
I'm doing it braless today, even/especially in public. I got teary-eyed talking to Mr. YnH about my future and what means a lot to me, and then I felt guilty about the opportunities I have to look forward to in my career. I am going to buy myself some trail running sneaks and I am going to use them. I wrote "I am not a therapist. I am a helper." at the top of my counseling notes. I hardly remember anything from counseling theory and it makes me feel stupid and ill-equipped.
That's all for today. Go smell some sunshine.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Using an aloe leaf for sunburn relief...
Using an aloe leaf for sunburn relief feels like murder.
I'm not really sure where I was going with this. There just seems to be a lot of death going on. It seemed to be mimicking real life. Very dramatic, I know. Sort of like the last post, the starting point is dramatic and then it calms down and gets more focused. I was told today that I seem like a very mild-mannered person. Calm. Well. Here's my outcry (^). And then I get down to business.
It's a constant balance, though. I'll go back and forth, between my emotions running my thinking and my rational thinking running my thinking. Is it politically incorrect to suggest that the driver's seat is dictated by a constant, ceaseless game of Chinese firedrill? And my life is full of red lights? It probably is but it was the first thing that came to mind, and I think I'm safe within the confines of my blog because no one reads this anyway.
Tonight I have one thing on my agenda. Maybe two. Okay three. Maybe I should just list them.
Finish painting the kitchen it's flamey red.
Apply more aloe.
Read more from my book (http://www.amazon.com/Doctor-Sleep-Novel-Stephen-King/dp/1476727651).
Find my phone charger. Again.
Prep clothes for tomorrow. The gym is non-negotiable.
Set alarm for the gym.
Fight the urge to ask naggy questions or reach out to people out of loneliness. I can do this.
So simple and yet so complicated.
I'm going to try and not think about the death of my aloe leaf. It was probably already dead when I bought it, considering that it was no longer attached to the plant...
I just added that last one to the list up there too. That's the most important one. That and the painting. It really needs to get done.
Til next time...
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Non-committal hand holding is the worst.
Okay so perhaps that post title is a slight exaggeration. It does make me cringe, even if it isn't the worst thing.
Let me start over. I started writing this particular post, oh I don't know, like over two months ago maybe? This is the issue with my life. It's one of the root causes of my grief. Not real grief, more like Charlie Brown "good grief!" kind of grief. I start things and I don't finish them. I say yes to jobs and then fade away rather than burn out. Well hah interesting choice of words. I occasionally burn out as well but that's a topic for a different post. I let things fester, I allow things to collect dust. I foster good intentions and brainstorm ideas that dry out and fade in the sun. Or sometimes they don't even get to see the light of day and they sit in a moldy basement and make friends with beetles, or whatever lives in one's basement these days.
I need to start something and finish it.
Which brings me back to my original statement when I started this thing.
I could go on for hours about the internal struggle that occurs when I hold his hand. There is the internal soul of me that settles in like when I'm sitting with a good book and a nice cup of tea. Which hardly ever happens, but you get the picture. Then there is the cognitive cog that turns trying to find rationale in his actions. It tries to find a label for something that is not allowed to be identified. The thing is, and pretty often, there isn't the kind of hand-holding that two people in a secure relationship do. It's loose. It's playful. It's somewhat/mostly unattached. Literally. Anyway, I could go on for hours about this relationship nonsense but I'm not going to. It's 7:32 on a Saturday morning, I'm sitting in the call room of the crisis hotline, and I'm kind of cranky. And hungry. And I have to poop. And my top lip is chapped. Who else has this happen in Summer by the way? I don't understand.
Needless to say, I am not going to drone on about non-committal hand holding, and instead I'll talk about things that I need to finish that I have started.
1. My condo.
My mind just went blank. I think I struck a nerve. Let me bring myself back. The system literally crashed.
Puppies. Swings. Jaguar convertibles. Jeeps without doors or tops. The beach. Good-looking young men at the beach. Looking good at the beach...
And we're back...
2. Revamping my workouts.
3. Revamping my meal plans.
4. Following my budget.
5. Having people over. I love people. I love my people. They might not know it but I love them. Just because I don't spend time with them does not mean that I don't love them, or that I've forgotten about them. I love them very much. Even if I despise how well they beat me in Words with Friends.
6. Flushing out some ideas about my food truck.
7. Brushing up on my individual counseling approach.
8. Getting rid of things I don't use; either giving it away or throwing it away. Both actions involve letting go.
9. Involving some sort of positive affirmation in my daily routine. Even if it's my NA app, and reading the 'Just for Today'.
10. Starting a YouTube channel. The problem with this one is I don't 'feel' like I have something to offer. But then again, if people don't like what I would have to say, then they don't have to listen. I could interview people. All sorts of people. People I love, people I don't love but respect, and even people I don't respect but who would add some interesting tidbits and flavor to my channel.
SQUIRREL: I forgot my Kombucha. I wanted to drink more of it and explore its flavors.
11. SQUIRREL: This turned into a to-do list instead of a 'i started it and now it's dying' list.
11. More baking, more cooking, more homegrown nonsense, in all its fabulous forms.
So I was thinking about it while I was typing no. 11 and I think the reason why I started listing things I want to do instead of continuing with things I have started and not finished (see No.1), is because in some form or another, those other items ARE things I started. But they fall into the category of "I printed out this thing because I had/have intentions of following through some day" or "I bought this thing because I have/had intentions of using it one day".
I have printed out new workouts, new recipes, meal plans.
I have an excel doc in the Google Drive that has been my budget for the last 3 months.
I have written ideas for parties I had wanted to host.
I have a note on my ipod that lists ideas for menu items for my food truck idea.
I have books upon books from grad school that instruct on therapeutic approaches.
I have piles of things that are already organized into 'give away' and 'throw away' and 'go through this and throw away or give away'.
I have apps downloaded with happy sayings for the day, or jokes for the day, or Just for Today quotes, for each day.
I was going to say I have things to say but it's not that as much as it is I have people that I want to say things to.
IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA ::LIIIIIGHTBUUUULB::. IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA.
My YouTube channel should be like my psycho-educational groups that I run at work!!
This way, I can tell patients who seem to be really interested, so they can reference them whenever they want! Like after they've discharged from our program! I can do like a mini session, and the rest of my group can be whoever is watching. I can take suggestions for new topics from the comments that people leave. It can be candid and real time. I hate cheesy edited videos on serious topics. Then at least I can ad-lib a little. Is that right?...ad lib?, yes it is. I just checked on dictionary.com. I'll run it like I'm running a group. Maybe even for authenticity I can have others in the room to make believe I'm actually running a group. At least until I become comfortable speaking only to my computer screen.
With this many goals, I should do action plans to break them down into smaller tasks so they don't overwhelm me.
That is what I am going to do now. I'll keep you updated.
Thank you for letting me share.
http://www.jftna.org/jft/
It's talking about spiritual growth but I'll take it!
Let me start over. I started writing this particular post, oh I don't know, like over two months ago maybe? This is the issue with my life. It's one of the root causes of my grief. Not real grief, more like Charlie Brown "good grief!" kind of grief. I start things and I don't finish them. I say yes to jobs and then fade away rather than burn out. Well hah interesting choice of words. I occasionally burn out as well but that's a topic for a different post. I let things fester, I allow things to collect dust. I foster good intentions and brainstorm ideas that dry out and fade in the sun. Or sometimes they don't even get to see the light of day and they sit in a moldy basement and make friends with beetles, or whatever lives in one's basement these days.
I need to start something and finish it.
Which brings me back to my original statement when I started this thing.
I could go on for hours about the internal struggle that occurs when I hold his hand. There is the internal soul of me that settles in like when I'm sitting with a good book and a nice cup of tea. Which hardly ever happens, but you get the picture. Then there is the cognitive cog that turns trying to find rationale in his actions. It tries to find a label for something that is not allowed to be identified. The thing is, and pretty often, there isn't the kind of hand-holding that two people in a secure relationship do. It's loose. It's playful. It's somewhat/mostly unattached. Literally. Anyway, I could go on for hours about this relationship nonsense but I'm not going to. It's 7:32 on a Saturday morning, I'm sitting in the call room of the crisis hotline, and I'm kind of cranky. And hungry. And I have to poop. And my top lip is chapped. Who else has this happen in Summer by the way? I don't understand.
Needless to say, I am not going to drone on about non-committal hand holding, and instead I'll talk about things that I need to finish that I have started.
1. My condo.
My mind just went blank. I think I struck a nerve. Let me bring myself back. The system literally crashed.
Puppies. Swings. Jaguar convertibles. Jeeps without doors or tops. The beach. Good-looking young men at the beach. Looking good at the beach...
And we're back...
2. Revamping my workouts.
3. Revamping my meal plans.
4. Following my budget.
5. Having people over. I love people. I love my people. They might not know it but I love them. Just because I don't spend time with them does not mean that I don't love them, or that I've forgotten about them. I love them very much. Even if I despise how well they beat me in Words with Friends.
6. Flushing out some ideas about my food truck.
7. Brushing up on my individual counseling approach.
8. Getting rid of things I don't use; either giving it away or throwing it away. Both actions involve letting go.
9. Involving some sort of positive affirmation in my daily routine. Even if it's my NA app, and reading the 'Just for Today'.
10. Starting a YouTube channel. The problem with this one is I don't 'feel' like I have something to offer. But then again, if people don't like what I would have to say, then they don't have to listen. I could interview people. All sorts of people. People I love, people I don't love but respect, and even people I don't respect but who would add some interesting tidbits and flavor to my channel.
SQUIRREL: I forgot my Kombucha. I wanted to drink more of it and explore its flavors.
11. SQUIRREL: This turned into a to-do list instead of a 'i started it and now it's dying' list.
11. More baking, more cooking, more homegrown nonsense, in all its fabulous forms.
So I was thinking about it while I was typing no. 11 and I think the reason why I started listing things I want to do instead of continuing with things I have started and not finished (see No.1), is because in some form or another, those other items ARE things I started. But they fall into the category of "I printed out this thing because I had/have intentions of following through some day" or "I bought this thing because I have/had intentions of using it one day".
I have printed out new workouts, new recipes, meal plans.
I have an excel doc in the Google Drive that has been my budget for the last 3 months.
I have written ideas for parties I had wanted to host.
I have a note on my ipod that lists ideas for menu items for my food truck idea.
I have books upon books from grad school that instruct on therapeutic approaches.
I have piles of things that are already organized into 'give away' and 'throw away' and 'go through this and throw away or give away'.
I have apps downloaded with happy sayings for the day, or jokes for the day, or Just for Today quotes, for each day.
I was going to say I have things to say but it's not that as much as it is I have people that I want to say things to.
IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA ::LIIIIIGHTBUUUULB::. IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA.
My YouTube channel should be like my psycho-educational groups that I run at work!!
This way, I can tell patients who seem to be really interested, so they can reference them whenever they want! Like after they've discharged from our program! I can do like a mini session, and the rest of my group can be whoever is watching. I can take suggestions for new topics from the comments that people leave. It can be candid and real time. I hate cheesy edited videos on serious topics. Then at least I can ad-lib a little. Is that right?...ad lib?, yes it is. I just checked on dictionary.com. I'll run it like I'm running a group. Maybe even for authenticity I can have others in the room to make believe I'm actually running a group. At least until I become comfortable speaking only to my computer screen.
With this many goals, I should do action plans to break them down into smaller tasks so they don't overwhelm me.
That is what I am going to do now. I'll keep you updated.
Thank you for letting me share.
http://www.jftna.org/jft/
It's talking about spiritual growth but I'll take it!
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Time Machine; 1/22/07-10
I found this little nugget in a notebook from my Crisis Intervention class from grad school. I like it. But mostly, I like that I don't feel like this anymore. :).
"This is the moment where I haven't
been writing for hours but
my wrist hurts.
This is the point at which I think
'damn, I'm not running
fast enough' in a dream.
These are the somatic aches, caused
not by physical pain but
mental, friggin, anguish.
My pace is hampered by exhaustion.
I look around and see ability, agility,...
Is it my motivation?
Is it my genetically defunct circulation?
Yesterday's precipitation?
Outside forces' agitation?
Practically paralyzed, I realize
I wrote again.
My flower in the cold stiff weeds
of my over-scheduled, over-processed, under-indulged
lifestyle.
Oh, no. Does this mean two years from now
I'll be hunched over my desk
between two cubicle walls and yell
'You told me we weren't doing this forever!'?
'Calm down', I say.
No sense in getting mad at yourself.
It's just another day, in the life of me, in my
Crisis State."
"This is the moment where I haven't
been writing for hours but
my wrist hurts.
This is the point at which I think
'damn, I'm not running
fast enough' in a dream.
These are the somatic aches, caused
not by physical pain but
mental, friggin, anguish.
My pace is hampered by exhaustion.
I look around and see ability, agility,...
Is it my motivation?
Is it my genetically defunct circulation?
Yesterday's precipitation?
Outside forces' agitation?
Practically paralyzed, I realize
I wrote again.
My flower in the cold stiff weeds
of my over-scheduled, over-processed, under-indulged
lifestyle.
Oh, no. Does this mean two years from now
I'll be hunched over my desk
between two cubicle walls and yell
'You told me we weren't doing this forever!'?
'Calm down', I say.
No sense in getting mad at yourself.
It's just another day, in the life of me, in my
Crisis State."
Friday, April 11, 2014
I'm actually warm...
I left the house to go do my text shift tonight and I'm not wearing my jacket. Left my hoodie in the car. And I'm sitting in Panera actually warm! I'm not sure how i'll drink my coffee...it needs to cool down first.
I feel really tired. But that's probably the wine I had with my grilled cheese.
This week was interesting. Very up and down. I settled into the first days of being 29 pretty similarly to how I exited the last days of being 28--avoiding my dirty dishes and full boxes and feeling emotionally conflicted. Not in a bad way though. If it's possible for you to see emotional conflict as not a bad thing. Someone in group today threw out that saying about how if you're not struggling you're not changing, or maybe that happened on Wednesday...and I worry sometimes that I'm not "struggling" enough, but the little bit that I do struggle, I definitely think it's productive and encouraging and I ran out of synonyms for "good". But it's good.
Sometimes I'm proud of myself. Although I can't think of any specific examples that are appropriate for this blog post...
It's tough feeling inspired when you feel like if you just close your eyes, they would feel like they are resting on little pillows...
I can't think about that too much. I need to think about my Siren Song playlist on 8tracks. "You live your life just once. So don't forget about a thing called love. Don't forget...forget about a thing called love.". I dig it.
There's this couple that comes here to Panera sometimes. Me and Mr. YnH have seen them at the gym. They're both super muscular. Mr. YnH is recently injured again. Hurt his back. He's saying he won't be able to squat or deadlift which are his two personal favorites. (squirrel: LLAMA SWEATER!! 3 O'CLOCK). He started feeling pretty badly about himself again, and he was comparing himself to the guy from the gym. I'm pretty sure the guy made his girlfriend her coffee, walked outside with her and then handed it to her...weird. She was wearing 4 inch stiletto booties. To Panera. weird. (squirrel: BETSEY JOHNSON PURSE!! 2:30.). I know I need to get wifi at home. I know I do. but it's so tempting to still come out here and use wifi of the local businesses because for the dollar or so in gas and the dollar or so in coffee, it's worth the entertainment. Looking at all the different regulars and the characters, seeing who else uses Panera for meet-ups and wifi and a weekly chill sesh. I like it. It offers a sense of nonverbal community. I was walking down the stairs last night to turn off the light in the kitchen after a super productive (and somewhat destructive) cook/bake sesh and I couldn't help but think that it was too quiet and kind of lonely. At least at Panera for example, there are people around, doing similar things to what I'm doing. Hah! I suppose I'm looking for a college dorm. At least some of the time. I miss that sense of community, even when I wanted to be left alone. A few of those people sent me bday wishes on Facebook, and one of them in particular has been ::liking:: my photos a lot lately. It's cute! Kind of like support from a remote location. It's sort of that kind of thing that I'm looking for. Good ol'fashioned 'got your back if you got mine' sense of community.
I had some intention of working on weekly notes but I think I'm going to work instead on the book that I need to finish reading for book club. It's not very good and I don't recommend it so I won't tell you what it is. Okay it's called "The Program" by Suzanne Young. I'm sorry if you know her and like her or you are her. I'm not sorry for my opinion because it's not a very good book. The End.
The line is quiet tonight so far. but i'm still...
Love
Audrey (from 8-10).
I feel really tired. But that's probably the wine I had with my grilled cheese.
This week was interesting. Very up and down. I settled into the first days of being 29 pretty similarly to how I exited the last days of being 28--avoiding my dirty dishes and full boxes and feeling emotionally conflicted. Not in a bad way though. If it's possible for you to see emotional conflict as not a bad thing. Someone in group today threw out that saying about how if you're not struggling you're not changing, or maybe that happened on Wednesday...and I worry sometimes that I'm not "struggling" enough, but the little bit that I do struggle, I definitely think it's productive and encouraging and I ran out of synonyms for "good". But it's good.
Sometimes I'm proud of myself. Although I can't think of any specific examples that are appropriate for this blog post...
It's tough feeling inspired when you feel like if you just close your eyes, they would feel like they are resting on little pillows...
I can't think about that too much. I need to think about my Siren Song playlist on 8tracks. "You live your life just once. So don't forget about a thing called love. Don't forget...forget about a thing called love.". I dig it.
There's this couple that comes here to Panera sometimes. Me and Mr. YnH have seen them at the gym. They're both super muscular. Mr. YnH is recently injured again. Hurt his back. He's saying he won't be able to squat or deadlift which are his two personal favorites. (squirrel: LLAMA SWEATER!! 3 O'CLOCK). He started feeling pretty badly about himself again, and he was comparing himself to the guy from the gym. I'm pretty sure the guy made his girlfriend her coffee, walked outside with her and then handed it to her...weird. She was wearing 4 inch stiletto booties. To Panera. weird. (squirrel: BETSEY JOHNSON PURSE!! 2:30.). I know I need to get wifi at home. I know I do. but it's so tempting to still come out here and use wifi of the local businesses because for the dollar or so in gas and the dollar or so in coffee, it's worth the entertainment. Looking at all the different regulars and the characters, seeing who else uses Panera for meet-ups and wifi and a weekly chill sesh. I like it. It offers a sense of nonverbal community. I was walking down the stairs last night to turn off the light in the kitchen after a super productive (and somewhat destructive) cook/bake sesh and I couldn't help but think that it was too quiet and kind of lonely. At least at Panera for example, there are people around, doing similar things to what I'm doing. Hah! I suppose I'm looking for a college dorm. At least some of the time. I miss that sense of community, even when I wanted to be left alone. A few of those people sent me bday wishes on Facebook, and one of them in particular has been ::liking:: my photos a lot lately. It's cute! Kind of like support from a remote location. It's sort of that kind of thing that I'm looking for. Good ol'fashioned 'got your back if you got mine' sense of community.
I had some intention of working on weekly notes but I think I'm going to work instead on the book that I need to finish reading for book club. It's not very good and I don't recommend it so I won't tell you what it is. Okay it's called "The Program" by Suzanne Young. I'm sorry if you know her and like her or you are her. I'm not sorry for my opinion because it's not a very good book. The End.
The line is quiet tonight so far. but i'm still...
Love
Audrey (from 8-10).
Thursday, April 3, 2014
It's the Little Things, really...
It's the little things, really. Except when it's the big things. The monumental things. Or at least the things that feel monumental. It's the little things like matzo ball soup and warm buttered bread. It's the big things, like that moment when I realize I'm entering new territory, and I'm going to meet the challenge rather than shrink back from it. Little thing: free bread with my soup. Big thing: letting go and trusting what someone says to me. Taking it at face value rather than listening to my emotion mind and letting it dictate my feelings. The quote "I am the master of my fate" comes to mind. It's an interesting feeling. Certainly I'm calm about it now, because there is no immediate crisis, so I'm not desperate for the assistance of loved ones. But I'm enjoying it. I don't know how long it'll last so I need to soak it in. Slowly and mindfully. But in the meantime, I can read over the rest of the passage, and really feel it. It's from Invictus by William Ernest Henley and I have DEFINITELY heard it before, somewhere. I can't remember where. But the words are very familiar.
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/invictus/
Say you're working a certain part of a muscle. Say you're doing a bicep curl. A standing bicep curl. But instead of starting with your curled fist resting on your leg, you're starting with it waist-level. And for a really long time, say, 10 years, you're curling that 90 degrees. So you go up in weight because you think "hey I got this", and you think you're improving somewhat. Then one day, someone walks over and suggests that you aim for the full range of motion. They say it strengthens the muscle, and you're not using it to the best of its ability. In fact, you're doing the muscle a grave disservice, working it like that. You try it and suddenly your standing bicep curls feel completely different! Unfamiliar. You feel silly doing curls like that but something about it seems right.
That's me with my range of emotions. I cannot express to you how almost traumatic it was for me to experience elation for the first time, again. Seemingly limitless joy. Thrill and excitement that shot through my stomach with butterflies. A level of danger and threat coupled with a surrendering to the need for me to trust my instinct. A sense of gratitude for others in my life that brings a tearful smile to my face. A challenged but unwavering bravery (compared to what it was before) in standing as I am, without covering or shrinking or shying. I know I look awkward experiencing these things. Certainly if someone had a camera trained on me in my car, or in the stall of the ladies room at work (where I have many of my 'aha!' moments), or at my computer at work, they would probably think I had passed gas and it was painful. This hasn't stopped me. If I come across a new emotion, or a new/different level of an emotion, depending on what it is, I face it and look at it curiously, and think "huh. so that's how that feels. interesting." and I nod as if I'm running psychotherapy group for one and I'm the therapist and the one.
Maybe it's because I work with emotions (and trying to understand them and a human's relationship with his/her emotions) for a living. Maybe it's because I have a vagina and that automatically makes emotions a relevant part of my life. Maybe it's because despite the noise around me and in my ears, I'm more in tune with how I'm feeling and how others might be feeling around me, and I feel the need to talk about it. Maybe it's a combo. Who knows. All I know is, on the happy<---->unhappy continuum, I spend most of my time closer to the happy side. I still visit my family with tired eyes and purple half-circles above my cheeks, but I smile underneath that tiredness that's going on with the top half of my face. It's very strange. It never feels forced. I end up keeping happy things to myself instead of keeping sad things to myself. I look forward to things I otherwise would've been too nervous about, with the anxious excitement of treating each "little thing" as a new test or challenge, and so far I have to say, I really like it. I'm learning new things about myself on a somewhat regular basis.
Take for example, working with clients in therapy. I was driving to the diner to do my crisis line shift, and I realized that I view each client's experience/issues/symptoms like a super complex puzzle that they need help figuring out pieces to. In elementary school I was in something called Quest and we would do puzzles. Tangrams, and these puzzles with these boxes and you had to figure out which person and which job based on the clues, etc. I LOVED those things, I was such a sucker for them. I loved that sense of having a place for each piece, and getting it. A sense of accomplishment, and satisfaction that I figured it out. I don't think I felt like a very smart kid growing up, so being able to figure those things out brought about a positive feeling for myself. I've heard people argue that volunteering is selfish, because it's designed often to make the person doing the volunteering feel good about themselves, not just the simple fact of doing good for others. There's a gain. The same can be said for all of the service professions, including mental health counseling. I can honestly say, it makes me feel good when I think I've helped a client of mine work through a particularly difficult somethingorother. I can't say that's the whole reason why I'm doing it, but I'm sure it's one of the things that keeps me going. It can be pretty overwhelming sometimes, so the idea that I'm reinforced by that feeling that I'm doing good probably has validity. Anyway, I digressed. :). One of the reasons why I like doing psychotherapy with clients is because part of my brain approaches each interaction like someone might approach a really difficult crossword puzzle, or a really dense piece of literature. Except it's someone's life, and sometimes they've just come back from a very dark place (or they are still there). So I treat it much more gingerly than a crossword puzzle or a book.
And I get to points like this where I just sit quietly, soaking up my surroundings, which right now happens to be my crisis shift time at the local diner, enjoying the simplicity of the matzo ball soup and bread, while contemplating the gravity of having a second interview yesterday to work part time with individual clients in a capacity that is almost completely new to me. It's pretty amazing. To me anyway.
Whatever it is that you're doing right now, whatever sense is engaged, focus as much of your attention on it as possible. Take a slow, deep breath that fills your belly. Hold it for a few seconds. And slowly let it go.
Hopefully you have or had moments today that you can enjoy. I know I did.
Sleep tight, people.
Love,
Audrey (8-10)
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/invictus/
Out of the night that covers me,I like it. I should probably get it framed and put it on my wall somewhere. Speaking of being the captain of my soul, I feel like I'm regaining all sorts of parts of myself. It's silly, because they didn't go anywhere. They were just dormant. But it's like stretching after a loooooong hibernation. What else can I compare it to...
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Say you're working a certain part of a muscle. Say you're doing a bicep curl. A standing bicep curl. But instead of starting with your curled fist resting on your leg, you're starting with it waist-level. And for a really long time, say, 10 years, you're curling that 90 degrees. So you go up in weight because you think "hey I got this", and you think you're improving somewhat. Then one day, someone walks over and suggests that you aim for the full range of motion. They say it strengthens the muscle, and you're not using it to the best of its ability. In fact, you're doing the muscle a grave disservice, working it like that. You try it and suddenly your standing bicep curls feel completely different! Unfamiliar. You feel silly doing curls like that but something about it seems right.
That's me with my range of emotions. I cannot express to you how almost traumatic it was for me to experience elation for the first time, again. Seemingly limitless joy. Thrill and excitement that shot through my stomach with butterflies. A level of danger and threat coupled with a surrendering to the need for me to trust my instinct. A sense of gratitude for others in my life that brings a tearful smile to my face. A challenged but unwavering bravery (compared to what it was before) in standing as I am, without covering or shrinking or shying. I know I look awkward experiencing these things. Certainly if someone had a camera trained on me in my car, or in the stall of the ladies room at work (where I have many of my 'aha!' moments), or at my computer at work, they would probably think I had passed gas and it was painful. This hasn't stopped me. If I come across a new emotion, or a new/different level of an emotion, depending on what it is, I face it and look at it curiously, and think "huh. so that's how that feels. interesting." and I nod as if I'm running psychotherapy group for one and I'm the therapist and the one.
Maybe it's because I work with emotions (and trying to understand them and a human's relationship with his/her emotions) for a living. Maybe it's because I have a vagina and that automatically makes emotions a relevant part of my life. Maybe it's because despite the noise around me and in my ears, I'm more in tune with how I'm feeling and how others might be feeling around me, and I feel the need to talk about it. Maybe it's a combo. Who knows. All I know is, on the happy<---->unhappy continuum, I spend most of my time closer to the happy side. I still visit my family with tired eyes and purple half-circles above my cheeks, but I smile underneath that tiredness that's going on with the top half of my face. It's very strange. It never feels forced. I end up keeping happy things to myself instead of keeping sad things to myself. I look forward to things I otherwise would've been too nervous about, with the anxious excitement of treating each "little thing" as a new test or challenge, and so far I have to say, I really like it. I'm learning new things about myself on a somewhat regular basis.
Take for example, working with clients in therapy. I was driving to the diner to do my crisis line shift, and I realized that I view each client's experience/issues/symptoms like a super complex puzzle that they need help figuring out pieces to. In elementary school I was in something called Quest and we would do puzzles. Tangrams, and these puzzles with these boxes and you had to figure out which person and which job based on the clues, etc. I LOVED those things, I was such a sucker for them. I loved that sense of having a place for each piece, and getting it. A sense of accomplishment, and satisfaction that I figured it out. I don't think I felt like a very smart kid growing up, so being able to figure those things out brought about a positive feeling for myself. I've heard people argue that volunteering is selfish, because it's designed often to make the person doing the volunteering feel good about themselves, not just the simple fact of doing good for others. There's a gain. The same can be said for all of the service professions, including mental health counseling. I can honestly say, it makes me feel good when I think I've helped a client of mine work through a particularly difficult somethingorother. I can't say that's the whole reason why I'm doing it, but I'm sure it's one of the things that keeps me going. It can be pretty overwhelming sometimes, so the idea that I'm reinforced by that feeling that I'm doing good probably has validity. Anyway, I digressed. :). One of the reasons why I like doing psychotherapy with clients is because part of my brain approaches each interaction like someone might approach a really difficult crossword puzzle, or a really dense piece of literature. Except it's someone's life, and sometimes they've just come back from a very dark place (or they are still there). So I treat it much more gingerly than a crossword puzzle or a book.
And I get to points like this where I just sit quietly, soaking up my surroundings, which right now happens to be my crisis shift time at the local diner, enjoying the simplicity of the matzo ball soup and bread, while contemplating the gravity of having a second interview yesterday to work part time with individual clients in a capacity that is almost completely new to me. It's pretty amazing. To me anyway.
Whatever it is that you're doing right now, whatever sense is engaged, focus as much of your attention on it as possible. Take a slow, deep breath that fills your belly. Hold it for a few seconds. And slowly let it go.
Hopefully you have or had moments today that you can enjoy. I know I did.
Sleep tight, people.
Love,
Audrey (8-10)
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Compassionate Note to Self
I am blogging from work today, after finishing up a little chili for lunch, because I'm not sure I'll be able to blog from Panera this week. I don't have a text shift because Friday I am driving up to Montclair for a fabulous viewing of the play Vagina Monologues. I'm so excited. It's been a long time since I was an undergrad, enjoying the freeing feeling I got walking back to my door after the show. Anyway, time is short this week, and I just ran a group on how to write your self a compassionate letter, so while my group members were diligently writing theirs, I wrote one for myself. When I figure out how to attach the article we read first, I'll do that. :). The task is as it sounds. You write a letter to yourself, expressing understanding in the emotions you are feeling/have been feeling, while still remaining rational in spite of those emotions. It's basically giving a voice to one's wise mind;
Dear Nicole,
I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to you today with compassionate and sympathetic wishes. I know you've gone through a lot of situational and environmental changes lately, and that can be exhausting. It can be difficult trying to balance work tasks and goals, with goals in your personal life. It's exciting to learn that your LPC application was approved; however, that can serve as an added stressor and pressure as well. It might even bring up some resistance because this will trigger some insecurities you have about private practice and how competent you are in your role as therapist. You might feel pressure to align yourself with a certain treatment modality, when you find that you see value in applying most of them. This is a lot to think about. Maybe while someone is studying, you can unearth your old theories book, or look up articles on the recent application of therapeutic approaches. If there is a demand for couples counseling, identify a session outline for what a "curriculum" would look like. These are things that can focus your anxious energy and the result can be the development of the next steps for you. You like feeling prepared. Remember that feeling. Knowing what you're walking in with, even when you don't know what's waiting for you. The best you can do is offer what you have. It is up to the clients to respond or not. You are not (and don't have to always be) the end-all, be-all. Everyone has options. Including you. You can always switch gears and research who might be a better fit for them. Basically, keep in mind that so far, you have been able to handle the changes you have made. And you can do it again. I'm proud of you and I anxiously wait to see what comes next!
Much love,
Your Compassionate Self
Anyway, it was super helpful because without it being planned at all, whatsoever, I ended up finding a new short term goal to keep me from feeling aimless about my new job prospects! It was super cool. Also I'm a geek for this nonsense so there's that...
Enjoy the rest of your day. I'm going to go set some goals and reward myself with food. ;).
Today I'm Nicole; 8:30-5p.
Dear Nicole,
I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to you today with compassionate and sympathetic wishes. I know you've gone through a lot of situational and environmental changes lately, and that can be exhausting. It can be difficult trying to balance work tasks and goals, with goals in your personal life. It's exciting to learn that your LPC application was approved; however, that can serve as an added stressor and pressure as well. It might even bring up some resistance because this will trigger some insecurities you have about private practice and how competent you are in your role as therapist. You might feel pressure to align yourself with a certain treatment modality, when you find that you see value in applying most of them. This is a lot to think about. Maybe while someone is studying, you can unearth your old theories book, or look up articles on the recent application of therapeutic approaches. If there is a demand for couples counseling, identify a session outline for what a "curriculum" would look like. These are things that can focus your anxious energy and the result can be the development of the next steps for you. You like feeling prepared. Remember that feeling. Knowing what you're walking in with, even when you don't know what's waiting for you. The best you can do is offer what you have. It is up to the clients to respond or not. You are not (and don't have to always be) the end-all, be-all. Everyone has options. Including you. You can always switch gears and research who might be a better fit for them. Basically, keep in mind that so far, you have been able to handle the changes you have made. And you can do it again. I'm proud of you and I anxiously wait to see what comes next!
Much love,
Your Compassionate Self
Anyway, it was super helpful because without it being planned at all, whatsoever, I ended up finding a new short term goal to keep me from feeling aimless about my new job prospects! It was super cool. Also I'm a geek for this nonsense so there's that...
Enjoy the rest of your day. I'm going to go set some goals and reward myself with food. ;).
Today I'm Nicole; 8:30-5p.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
At the Coffee Shop
I know I run the risk of getting eye rolls but I think right now since I'm feeling particularly inspired, you're catching me in an honest moment.
I'm at Panera, sitting at one of the little round tables in the front because it was the closest thing to an outlet, and I'm surrounded by people doing very important things. To my ten o'clock, there's a youngish man working on a macbook, with a program that looks complicated--with much highlighting and other fancy nonsense. At my one o'clock is a woman probably in her 50s who ate her dinner pretty quickly, and is now sitting with folded hands, pouring over an eReader. She looks almost like she's in prayer. At my two o'clock is one of the most handsome young men I think I've ever seen in real life. Ever. He has long curly hair that falls below his shoulders, but it's pulled back now. He has very attractive musculature that shows even when he's not trying. Or maybe he is trying and he's just teasing me and anyone else who cares to look.
Oh, someone has joined the youngish man with the macbook. He's so classy, he brought a bag of BK into Panera. Oh he brought BK for both of them. They're speaking a language that isn't English. I think it might be Arabic based on the writing that was on a video the first man was watching, and Mr. Young'n'Handsome didn't motion that they're speaking Persian so that might be it. Super classy. Bringing BK into Panera.
More detail on the middle-aged woman: She has a very classy (actually classy, not sarcastic BK classy) camel colored suede Michael Kors bag, and matching color closed-toe wedges. And a fashionable wrist cuff. Metallic. Also, she ordered what looks like 2 dinners. One was the one she ate, and another in a brown bag, across the table from her. It's smart to do it that way. If she's waiting for someone, she won't be tempted to look up every two seconds because she's facing the wall.
...
I took a break because I lost the connection and I didn't want to lose the conversation I was having with my crisis hotline texter. The short version: I sort of recently moved, I don't have wifi yet, but I volunteer a couple hours each week responding to people who text in on a crisis line. So I have a cup of coffee at Panera and use the wifi.
Mr. Young'n'Handsome took his hair elastic out. He bought us a pumpkin muffin and also bought my coffee. It was very nice of him. You can tell we're the older siblings in our families because we share food like two people living alone in the wilderness, not sure where our next meal will come from. I reheated grilled chicken with some sauce I had made, cheese, and spinach, and you would think I made something gourmet. Not because he ooed and aahed but because he was very appreciative. He's always appreciative. It makes me feel like an ungrateful human being. HOWEVER, I have totally noticed a slight shift in my thinking with regard to feeling lucky and counting my blessings, in that it is a little LIIIIITTLE less fraught with guilt and slightly more just mindful about it. Just mindful. Just a little sigh gets let out and some appreciation to the universe. I'm trying. I'm catching myself not being appreciative...
I want to make a habit of this. Jotting down observations at least once per week. This is the perfect opportunity. I had notes to do for work but I arrived and plugged in my laptop and immediately I was chatting with someone who is a regular and feels like cutting and killing herself probably daily, so I completely forgot, and then there's the airy folky indie music...and Mr. YnH. Mmm.
So I'll try to make this a weekly thing, and you can try to read it. And hopefully not fall asleep. Or be offended. But I can't control that.
:).
Much love.
from 8-10, Audrey.
I'm at Panera, sitting at one of the little round tables in the front because it was the closest thing to an outlet, and I'm surrounded by people doing very important things. To my ten o'clock, there's a youngish man working on a macbook, with a program that looks complicated--with much highlighting and other fancy nonsense. At my one o'clock is a woman probably in her 50s who ate her dinner pretty quickly, and is now sitting with folded hands, pouring over an eReader. She looks almost like she's in prayer. At my two o'clock is one of the most handsome young men I think I've ever seen in real life. Ever. He has long curly hair that falls below his shoulders, but it's pulled back now. He has very attractive musculature that shows even when he's not trying. Or maybe he is trying and he's just teasing me and anyone else who cares to look.
Oh, someone has joined the youngish man with the macbook. He's so classy, he brought a bag of BK into Panera. Oh he brought BK for both of them. They're speaking a language that isn't English. I think it might be Arabic based on the writing that was on a video the first man was watching, and Mr. Young'n'Handsome didn't motion that they're speaking Persian so that might be it. Super classy. Bringing BK into Panera.
More detail on the middle-aged woman: She has a very classy (actually classy, not sarcastic BK classy) camel colored suede Michael Kors bag, and matching color closed-toe wedges. And a fashionable wrist cuff. Metallic. Also, she ordered what looks like 2 dinners. One was the one she ate, and another in a brown bag, across the table from her. It's smart to do it that way. If she's waiting for someone, she won't be tempted to look up every two seconds because she's facing the wall.
...
I took a break because I lost the connection and I didn't want to lose the conversation I was having with my crisis hotline texter. The short version: I sort of recently moved, I don't have wifi yet, but I volunteer a couple hours each week responding to people who text in on a crisis line. So I have a cup of coffee at Panera and use the wifi.
Mr. Young'n'Handsome took his hair elastic out. He bought us a pumpkin muffin and also bought my coffee. It was very nice of him. You can tell we're the older siblings in our families because we share food like two people living alone in the wilderness, not sure where our next meal will come from. I reheated grilled chicken with some sauce I had made, cheese, and spinach, and you would think I made something gourmet. Not because he ooed and aahed but because he was very appreciative. He's always appreciative. It makes me feel like an ungrateful human being. HOWEVER, I have totally noticed a slight shift in my thinking with regard to feeling lucky and counting my blessings, in that it is a little LIIIIITTLE less fraught with guilt and slightly more just mindful about it. Just mindful. Just a little sigh gets let out and some appreciation to the universe. I'm trying. I'm catching myself not being appreciative...
I want to make a habit of this. Jotting down observations at least once per week. This is the perfect opportunity. I had notes to do for work but I arrived and plugged in my laptop and immediately I was chatting with someone who is a regular and feels like cutting and killing herself probably daily, so I completely forgot, and then there's the airy folky indie music...and Mr. YnH. Mmm.
So I'll try to make this a weekly thing, and you can try to read it. And hopefully not fall asleep. Or be offended. But I can't control that.
:).
Much love.
from 8-10, Audrey.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)