I was having such a good time. But I could tell the thoughts were going south fast. Sure I would break out into a dance worthy of the classiest clubs the Jersey shore can offer. But my thoughts would turn to wtf am I going to do this Sunday? I'm going to be all alone...
And suddenly it turned. I was upstairs, hanging my laundry on the hangers, and I decided to stop fighting the tears. I am afraid no one will ever love me. It is upsetting and freeing to actually string the words together, because I think it's been a concern for a while. Originally, back in the old days with the ex, the concern was probably What if I'm not in love?. Now it's that dark thought up there.
What if I'll never know what reciprocated love really is?
I certainly don't feel it now. Even when I allow myself to feel it internally, it certainly isn't expressed externally. And that leaves me feeling empty. How long can I go like this?
And just like that I feel like watching episodes of something-or-other just to get my mind off the subject and pass the time. So many questions come up. It's overwhelming.
Why can't I be by myself and be okay?
How do other people do it? Do they all "fall in love" and stay with the person?
Will I be reduced to waiting with bated breath for my Mr. Right Now to call upon me unless I fight the urge to pick up the phone on the first ring?
Or is it just the sort of thing I need to detox from? A solid 6 month stay at a rehab in the middle of Arizona.
I need to work toward my solo goals. I need to make my solo goals... So much work.
No comments:
Post a Comment