Compassionate Note to Self

I am blogging from work today, after finishing up a little chili for lunch, because I'm not sure I'll be able to blog from Panera this week. I don't have a text shift because Friday I am driving up to Montclair for a fabulous viewing of the play Vagina Monologues. I'm so excited. It's been a long time since I was an undergrad, enjoying the freeing feeling I got walking  back to my door after the show. Anyway, time is short this week, and I just ran a group on how to write your self a compassionate letter, so while my group members were diligently writing theirs, I wrote one for myself. When I figure out how to attach the article we read first, I'll do that. :). The task is as it sounds. You write a letter to yourself, expressing understanding in the emotions you are feeling/have been feeling, while still remaining rational in spite of those emotions. It's basically giving a voice to one's wise mind;

Dear Nicole,
I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to you today with compassionate and sympathetic wishes. I know you've gone through a lot of situational and environmental changes lately, and that can be exhausting. It can be difficult trying to balance work tasks and goals, with goals in your personal life. It's exciting to learn that your LPC application was approved; however, that can serve as an added stressor and pressure as well. It might even bring up some resistance because this will trigger some insecurities you have about private practice and how competent you are in your role as therapist. You might feel pressure to align yourself with a certain treatment modality, when you find that you see value in applying most of them. This is a lot to think about. Maybe while someone is studying, you can unearth your old theories book, or look up articles on the recent application of therapeutic approaches. If there is a demand for couples counseling, identify a session outline for what a "curriculum" would look like. These are things that can focus your anxious energy and the result can be the development of the next steps for you. You like feeling prepared. Remember that feeling. Knowing what you're walking in with, even when you don't know what's waiting for you. The best you can do is offer what you have. It is up to the clients to respond or not. You are not (and don't have to always be) the end-all, be-all. Everyone has options. Including you. You can always switch gears and research who might be a better fit for them. Basically, keep in mind that so far, you have been able to handle the changes you have made. And you can do it again. I'm proud of you and I anxiously wait to see what comes next!
Much love,
Your Compassionate Self

Anyway, it was super helpful because without it being planned at all, whatsoever, I ended up finding a new short term goal to keep me from feeling aimless about my new job prospects! It was super cool. Also I'm a geek for this nonsense so there's that...
Enjoy the rest of your day. I'm going to go set some goals and reward myself with food. ;).
Today I'm Nicole; 8:30-5p.

At the Coffee Shop

I know I run the risk of getting eye rolls but I think right now since I'm feeling particularly inspired, you're catching me in an honest moment.
I'm at Panera, sitting at one of the little round tables in the front because it was the closest thing to an outlet, and I'm surrounded by people doing very important things. To my ten o'clock, there's a youngish man working on a macbook, with a program that looks complicated--with much highlighting and other fancy nonsense. At my one o'clock is a woman probably in her 50s who ate her dinner pretty quickly, and is now sitting with folded hands, pouring over an eReader. She looks almost like she's in prayer. At my two o'clock is one of the most handsome young men I think I've ever seen in real life. Ever. He has long curly hair that falls below his shoulders, but it's pulled back now. He has very attractive musculature that shows even when he's not trying. Or maybe he is trying and he's just teasing me and anyone else who cares to look.
Oh, someone has joined the youngish man with the macbook. He's so classy, he brought a bag of BK into Panera. Oh he brought BK for both of them. They're speaking a language that isn't English. I think it might be Arabic based on the writing that was on a video the first man was watching, and Mr. Young'n'Handsome didn't motion that they're speaking Persian so that might be it. Super classy. Bringing BK into Panera.
More detail on the middle-aged woman: She has a very classy (actually classy, not sarcastic BK classy) camel colored suede Michael Kors bag, and matching color closed-toe wedges. And a fashionable wrist cuff. Metallic. Also, she ordered what looks like 2 dinners. One was the one she ate, and another in a brown bag, across the table from her. It's smart to do it that way. If she's waiting for someone, she won't be tempted to look up every two seconds because she's facing the wall.
...
I took a break because I lost the connection and I didn't want to lose the conversation I was having with my crisis hotline texter. The short version: I sort of recently moved, I don't have wifi yet, but I volunteer a couple hours each week responding to people who text in on a crisis line. So I have a cup of coffee at Panera and use the wifi.
Mr. Young'n'Handsome took his hair elastic out. He bought us a pumpkin muffin and also bought my coffee. It was very nice of him. You can tell we're the older siblings in our families because we share food like two people living alone in the wilderness, not sure where our next meal will come from. I reheated grilled chicken with some sauce I had made, cheese, and spinach, and you would think I made something gourmet. Not because he ooed and aahed but because he was very appreciative. He's always appreciative. It makes me feel like an ungrateful human being. HOWEVER, I have totally noticed a slight shift in my thinking with regard to feeling lucky and counting my blessings, in that it is a little LIIIIITTLE less fraught with guilt and slightly more just mindful about it. Just mindful. Just a little sigh gets let out and some appreciation to the universe. I'm trying. I'm catching myself not being appreciative...

I want to make a habit of this. Jotting down observations at least once per week. This is the perfect opportunity. I had notes to do for work but I arrived and plugged in my laptop and immediately I was chatting with someone who is a regular and feels like cutting and killing herself probably daily, so I completely forgot, and then there's the airy folky indie music...and Mr. YnH. Mmm.
So I'll try to make this a weekly thing, and you can try to read it. And hopefully not fall asleep. Or be offended. But I can't control that.
:).
Much love.
from 8-10, Audrey.