Using an aloe leaf for sunburn relief...

Using an aloe leaf for sunburn relief feels like murder.

I'm not really sure where I was going with this. There just seems to be a lot of death going on. It seemed to be mimicking real life. Very dramatic, I know. Sort of like the last post, the starting point is dramatic and then it calms down and gets more focused. I was told today that I seem like a very mild-mannered person. Calm. Well. Here's my outcry (^). And then I get down to business.

It's a constant balance, though. I'll go back and forth, between my emotions running my thinking and my rational thinking running my thinking. Is it politically incorrect to suggest that the driver's seat is dictated by a constant, ceaseless game of Chinese firedrill? And my life is full of red lights? It probably is but it was the first thing that came to mind, and I think I'm safe within the confines of my blog because no one reads this anyway.

Tonight I have one thing on my agenda. Maybe two. Okay three. Maybe I should just list them.

Finish painting the kitchen it's flamey red.

Apply more aloe.

Read more from my book (http://www.amazon.com/Doctor-Sleep-Novel-Stephen-King/dp/1476727651).

Find my phone charger. Again.

Prep clothes for tomorrow. The gym is non-negotiable. 

Set alarm for the gym. 

Fight the urge to ask naggy questions or reach out to people out of loneliness. I can do this.

So simple and yet so complicated. 

I'm going to try and not think about the death of my aloe leaf. It was probably already dead when I bought it, considering that it was no longer attached to the plant...

I just added that last one to the list up there too. That's the most important one. That and the painting. It really needs to get done. 

Til next time...

Non-committal hand holding is the worst.

Okay so perhaps that post title is a slight exaggeration. It does make me cringe, even if it isn't the worst thing.

Let me start over. I started writing this particular post, oh I don't know, like over two months ago maybe? This is the issue with my life. It's one of the root causes of my grief. Not real grief, more like Charlie Brown "good grief!" kind of grief. I start things and I don't finish them. I say yes to jobs and then fade away rather than burn out. Well hah interesting choice of words. I occasionally burn out as well but that's a topic for a different post. I let things fester, I allow things to collect dust. I foster good intentions and brainstorm ideas that dry out and fade in the sun. Or sometimes they don't even get to see the light of day and they sit in a moldy basement and make friends with beetles, or whatever lives in one's basement these days.

I need to start something and finish it.
Which brings me back to my original statement when I started this thing.
I could go on for hours about the internal struggle that occurs when I hold his hand. There is the internal soul of me that settles in like when I'm sitting with a good book and a nice cup of tea. Which hardly ever happens, but you get the picture. Then there is the cognitive cog that turns trying to find rationale in his actions. It tries to find a label for something that is not allowed to be identified. The thing is, and pretty often, there isn't the kind of hand-holding that two people in a secure relationship do. It's loose. It's playful. It's somewhat/mostly unattached. Literally. Anyway, I could go on for hours about this relationship nonsense but I'm not going to. It's 7:32 on a Saturday morning, I'm sitting in the call room of the crisis hotline, and I'm kind of cranky. And hungry. And I have to poop. And my top lip is chapped. Who else has this happen in Summer by the way? I don't understand.

Needless to say, I am not going to drone on about non-committal hand holding, and instead I'll talk about things that I need to finish that I have started.

1. My condo.
My mind just went blank. I think I struck a nerve. Let me bring myself back. The system literally crashed.
Puppies. Swings. Jaguar convertibles. Jeeps without doors or tops. The beach. Good-looking young men at the beach. Looking good at the beach...
And we're back...
2. Revamping my workouts.
3. Revamping my meal plans.
4. Following my budget.
5. Having people over. I love people. I love my people. They might not know it but I love them. Just because I don't spend time with them does not mean that I don't love them, or that I've forgotten about them. I love them very much. Even if I despise how well they beat me in Words with Friends.
6. Flushing out some ideas about my food truck.
7. Brushing up on my individual counseling approach.
8. Getting rid of things I don't use; either giving it away or throwing it away. Both actions involve letting go.
9. Involving some sort of positive affirmation in my daily routine. Even if it's my NA app, and reading the 'Just for Today'.
10. Starting a YouTube channel. The problem with this one is I don't 'feel' like I have something to offer. But then again, if people don't like what I would have to say, then they don't have to listen. I could interview people. All sorts of people. People I love, people I don't love but respect, and even people I don't respect but who would add some interesting tidbits and flavor to my channel.
SQUIRREL: I forgot my Kombucha. I wanted to drink more of it and explore its flavors.
11. SQUIRREL: This turned into a to-do list instead of a 'i started it and now it's dying' list.
11. More baking, more cooking, more homegrown nonsense, in all its fabulous forms.

So I was thinking about it while I was typing no. 11 and I think the reason why I started listing things I want to do instead of continuing with things I have started and not finished (see No.1), is because in some form or another, those other items ARE things I started. But they fall into the category of "I printed out this thing because I had/have intentions of following through some day" or "I bought this thing because I have/had intentions of using it one day".
I have printed out new workouts, new recipes, meal plans.
I have an excel doc in the Google Drive that has been my budget for the last 3 months.
I have written ideas for parties I had wanted to host.
I have a note on my ipod that lists ideas for menu items for my food truck idea.
I have books upon books from grad school that instruct on therapeutic approaches.
I have piles of things that are already organized into 'give away' and 'throw away' and 'go through this and throw away or give away'.
I have apps downloaded with happy sayings for the day, or jokes for the day, or Just for Today quotes, for each day.
I was going to say I have things to say but it's not that as much as it is I have people that I want to say things to.
IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA ::LIIIIIGHTBUUUULB::. IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA IDEA.
My YouTube channel should be like my psycho-educational groups that I run at work!!
This way, I can tell patients who seem to be really interested, so they can reference them whenever they want! Like after they've discharged from our program! I can do like a mini session, and the rest of my group can be whoever is watching. I can take suggestions for new topics from the comments that people leave. It can be candid and real time. I hate cheesy edited videos on serious topics. Then at least I can ad-lib a little. Is that right?...ad lib?, yes it is. I just checked on dictionary.com. I'll run it like I'm running a group. Maybe even for authenticity I can have others in the room to make believe I'm actually running a group. At least until I become comfortable speaking only to my computer screen.

With this many goals, I should do action plans to break them down into smaller tasks so they don't overwhelm me.
That is what I am going to do now. I'll keep you updated.

Thank you for letting me share.
http://www.jftna.org/jft/
It's talking about spiritual growth but I'll take it!