I'm actually warm...

I left the house to go do my text shift tonight and I'm not wearing my jacket. Left my hoodie in the car. And I'm sitting in Panera actually warm! I'm not sure how i'll drink my coffee...it needs to cool down first.
I feel really tired. But that's probably the wine I had with my grilled cheese.
This week was interesting. Very up and down. I settled into the first days of being 29 pretty similarly to how I exited the last days of being 28--avoiding my dirty dishes and full boxes and feeling emotionally conflicted. Not in a bad way though. If it's possible for you to see emotional conflict as not a bad thing. Someone in group today threw out that saying about how if you're not struggling you're not changing, or maybe that happened on Wednesday...and I worry sometimes that I'm not "struggling" enough, but the little bit that I do struggle, I definitely think it's productive and encouraging and I ran out of synonyms for "good". But it's good.
Sometimes I'm proud of myself. Although I can't think of any specific examples that are appropriate for this blog post...
It's tough feeling inspired when you feel like if you just close your eyes, they would feel like they are resting on little pillows...
I can't think about that too much. I need to think about my Siren Song playlist on 8tracks. "You live your life just once. So don't forget about a thing called love. Don't forget...forget about a thing called love.". I dig it.
There's this couple that comes here to Panera sometimes. Me and Mr. YnH have seen them at the gym. They're both super muscular. Mr. YnH is recently injured again. Hurt his back. He's saying he won't be able to squat or deadlift which are his two personal favorites. (squirrel: LLAMA SWEATER!! 3 O'CLOCK). He started feeling pretty badly about himself again, and he was comparing himself to the guy from the gym. I'm pretty sure the guy made his girlfriend her coffee, walked outside with her and then handed it to her...weird. She was wearing 4 inch stiletto booties. To Panera. weird. (squirrel: BETSEY JOHNSON PURSE!! 2:30.). I know I need to get wifi at home. I know I do. but it's so tempting to still come out here and use wifi of the local businesses because for the dollar or so in gas and the dollar or so in coffee, it's worth the entertainment. Looking at all the different regulars and the characters, seeing who else uses Panera for meet-ups and wifi and a weekly chill sesh. I like it. It offers a sense of nonverbal community. I was walking down the stairs last night to turn off the light in the kitchen after a super productive (and somewhat destructive) cook/bake sesh and I couldn't help but think that it was too quiet and kind of lonely.  At least at Panera for example, there are people around, doing similar things to what I'm doing. Hah! I suppose I'm looking for a college dorm. At least some of the time. I miss that sense of community, even when I wanted to be left alone. A few of those people sent me bday wishes on Facebook, and one of them in particular has been ::liking:: my photos a lot lately. It's cute! Kind of like support from a remote location. It's sort of that kind of thing that I'm looking for. Good ol'fashioned 'got your back if you got mine' sense of community.
I had some intention of working on weekly notes but I think I'm going to work instead on the book that I need to finish reading for book club. It's not very good and I don't recommend it so I won't tell you what it is. Okay it's called "The Program" by Suzanne Young. I'm sorry if you know her and like her or you are her. I'm not sorry for my opinion because it's not a very good book. The End.
The line is quiet tonight so far. but i'm still...
Love
Audrey (from 8-10).